Somethings come off in the rain, others do not

I was going to originally post something along these lines last week, but some how the post ended up deleting itself.  This was also originally about a run I had in the rain recently, but I am now coming to a stark realization about my running in general.

The intent of this post is to provide a feeling of the break-neck highs and lows I have been experiencing since the the end of college. Its a vicious cycle and one I hope to escape soon.  Both events depicted are real and although they were the ones I wrote about, there are many more like them. It's a daily battle and this is just part of the story. The rest has yet to be written.

Last week I was out on one of my daily training runs, expect I can't really call them training runs anymore. What am I training for? I don't know, I guess to stay in shape.  Yeah,  we'll call it that...

So anyhow,  I was out on one of my runs last week. It was a planned eleven miler on the roads through town, a loop starting and ending at the local dirt track. All was going quite well and according to my Garmin Forerunner 210 right on an average pace of 6:20 per mile. Right on target.

I had just finished coming off the hilly section of my run at mile five and started to work my way back down to the flats of the valley floor to finish up my run. The next mile and a half went smooth if not fast according to my watch. Just as I turned to descend the last gradual hill to the valley floor it began to drizzle.  By mile seven it had turned into an all out downpour.

As my watch beeped at my, clambering for my attention to tell me my most recent split and that I had four  miles left, I faced a decision to make. Continue on, or take an impending right turn back to my car and cut my run three miles short.  Something inside of me kept me from taking that right turn and guided me straight and then to the left, continuing along my intended route.

My watch beeped one final time to inform me that I had finished my run, all eleven miles, I slowed to a walk. I was soaked from head to toe and cold. As I stripped off my long sleeve shirt that was clinging to my body I realized something else,  I felt happy. It was the happy feeling along the lines of completing something that you normally wouldn't do on your own, and it felt great.  You see, I am not one to usually run in the rain and would only do so if there was no other option.  But this time there was another option and I kept going.

I stood there, on the track,  letting the rain, which had now receded to a drizzle again,  bounce off my chest and back contemplating my running. Was this finally the run that signified that I was moving on from being a college athlete? Was I finally moving on from the self imposed pressure cooker of trying to stay on top? Had the rain really washed away the feeling that you are always one step behind the competition?  Had all this happen in one run? Regretfully, it had not. The dirt on my skin from college running is going to take a lot more than one run in the rain to remove it. 

I recently had a conversation with an older friend and he asked how my running was going. As we talked, he reminded me that I need to get back to the root of my running and that I wasn't in college anymore. I needed to re-find why I love running.  I need to start removing the layers of dirt from my skin.  The first step is to take the pressure off myself.  I need to relax and enjoy every run. Don't worry about pace, run how you feel at that moment. 

I am starting to realized this will be  long journey to self recovery,  not the short path I had been hoping for.  I don't know where this path may take me, but I want to, no need to, follow it. I believe a change of scenery will do me a lot of good.  Get away from the two running communities I know,  and give me a chance at re-inventing my self and my running. I will stay in contact with my past and all the friends I made, but the future beckons and awaits with open arms. Open arms to embrace a new me and a new relationship with running.

I have to give this a try. I have to do this in order to save running.  In order to save all the good friends an memories I made. I have to do this in order to save myself.

Internal Fire

I spent yesterday evening reading a book I came across. It was a good book, but that's not the important thing  to take away here. I w ant to highlight a brief section, maybe only half a page, where the Great Aunt is explaining her passion for saving old homes. She describes it as her fire and when asked what that means, she says its what drives your life and that it can take many forms. This got me thinking as I lay in my bed later that night 'Whats my fire?'. As I lay there, the thought came to me that a fire has many different colors that burn hotter that the previous color.

The question and the though sat there in my mind for a bit before it hit me that since there are many layers to a fire that there could be many things that drive you that change over time as you start to zero in on your passion, or burn hotter. I started to think on this and analyzed what has driven me in the past few years and I came up with three layers of my fire so far.

The red outer layer of the flame was my drive to run in college and get an engineering degree. It drove me to attend SDSM&T and run cross country and track. I threw myself head long into running and academics the summer before I started college and this passion burned the brightest for the next 3 years. It took me places I could only imagine a few years earlier, and taught me many things.

After three years, the red glow started to get replaced by an orange one that had taken root about halfway through my Freshman year. I'm calling this one the desire to serve my country.  I started feeding this fire by joining ROTC. I really stoked the flames when I received my commission earlier this year.  I have no regrets about the decision and this flame still burns bright and hot, but it has been joined by another one even hotter.

Recently, poking its way trough the orange has been yellow, or leadership and servitude as I think of it. It it a hungry flame and there were a couple of false starts along the way, but the hunger is what drove me to be the type of leader I am. I want to know how to do everything the right way so I can lead by example and show others what is right. This yellow  flame had been smoldering in the background for quite a few years and I have always craved positions of leadership. But until this flame made its way to the top, I didn't know the true meaning of leadership, but now this yellow flame drives me to be better so I can help those around me.

All these colors still burn and drive me today and help shape who I am and what I do and I wouldn't have it any other way. The red flame still burns because I want to get a masters degree. The orange flame is burning as bright as ever now that I am starting my military career. And I hope the yellow flame never dies. I can't wait to see where they take me and what the next layer of my flame brings.

If your wondering, the book I read was "Saving CeeCee Honeycutt" by Beth Hoffman. Don't judge, I read thrillers too.

Nervous Energy

O.K. I'm 99% sure I will be deploying to Afghanistan this winter, probably sometime in mid-November when I show up at Ft. Polk. How do I know this you ask? Well, my first duty assignment is with the 4th Brigade, 10th Mountain Division, and they just got deployed to Afghanistan this past week. I would say, right now, I feel like a nervous ball of energy and excitement. I know some people stay at the rear (in the United States) during a deployment, but I am really hoping that that's not the case for me. I want to go.


I can't tell you that I know exactly why I want to deploy, but I want to. Maybe its for the experience, maybe its  because its what I agreed to do when I signed on to defend my country. I don't know. All I know is I hope I am on a quick flight out of Ft. Polk to Afghanistan.

Some of you might be saying "now, hold on, don't you want some experience with a platoon before you deploy? Don't you want to know how to do you job before you deploy?" All I can say is that  I hope QM BOLC will give me enough of a basic skill set that I can tackle my assigned duties head on like I would in any of my engineering classes. Just approach it with an open mind and be prepared to take notes and study outside of class. Or in this case take notes and crack open the FMs. Listen to other to, especially those you work with.

My journey will start in  about a month when I drive to Ft. Lee, VA to attend QM BOLC until early November. After that, I will be driving down to Ft. Polk and off to who know what. All I know is the 4th of the 10th will deployed when I show up and report in for my first duty assignment. So, to all the Patriot Brigade members who are currently deployed, best of wishes and stay safe. I hope to meet you down range.

Song of the Week: "Can't Hold Us" by Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis What else can I say, great song from a great artist, with a great message.

Run of the Week: Crazy Canyon If you don't mind a lot of hills, this is a great place. I went biking there last weekend and had a great time. After riding some of the loops, I followed the Crooked Trail (302) home.

The Office

Song of the Week: Imagine Dragons' "Radioactive" For some reason this song, in my mind, takes the group from just another indie band to main stream group that can put out multiple hits. Plus its a great song.

Run of the Week: The Kim Williams trail. It runs right through the heart of Missoula and along the Clark Fork River. Its what gets me out of bed some mornings to go run. I also ran down it because there was an apartment complex on fire across the river and I wanted to watch for a bit. 

Thought of the Week: "Where the f*** does time go?" Time is just flying by this summer. In a little over a month I will begin my trek across the Country and  on to a new phase of my life. Also my little bro turns 20 in less than a week. I guess he's not so little anymore.

Running is going OK, I'm not really motivated to train right now even though I have a race coming up. It really feels more like work now than play. Running should feel like playing, race days are the only days at the office. I guess my work only really consists of getting/staying in shape and I need something else to do. I feel like I am stuck at an office of a job that I couldn't do with out, but I rally want to throw in the towel.

Normal office hours are from about 9 am to 5 pm, with an hour or so for lunch around 1 pm. During time the office is open, my routine consists of a morning run, a mid day workout, and a mid afternoon run. These are the good days at the office. A lot of the days seem to be one run and and mid day workout.

Sometimes the office closes early or doesn't even open for the day due to personal injury or laziness. Usually, if that's the case there is a steady stream of people coming by to knock and see if it the office is open or if its opening late. Sometimes the Office is open real late. (See 7:30 pm - 9 pm bike rides) This causes it to open late the next morning.

I enjoy the job I do, but it's work. I really need to figure out how to get out of the Office and turn all this work into play. I only want to have to work once every couple of weeks when I race. The rest of it should be for fun. It should all be for fun.

Restart

Time to restart this blog, fresh.

I decided to remove all my old posts on here and start all over from scratch and see if I actually can write a blog that I update on a regular basis and isn't me bitching about college and running. (Well maybe a little about running). 

Song of the Week: Cut Copy's "Lights and Music". I heard this song for the first time in a while during a work out last week. It brought back a lot of memories and I forgot how awesome it was. Its been stuck in my head since then. (Watch it.)

Run of the Week: Rattlesnake National Recreation Area. I had been avoiding this place like the plague since I got back home, but I finally drove up to the trail head this past weekend and had an amazing run (like usual).

Though of the Week: What to do, What to do. I have no idea what to do every day now that I don't have the structure of academics behind me and I don't have anything planned until mid-July. Oh well, I guess I will just go and enjoy life in beautiful Missoula, MT.

About Me: I grew up in a small mountain town in Western Montana, called Missoula. Its the one place I will always call home. Went to college at South Dakota School of Mines in Rapid City, SD (go 'Rockers!) and graduated with a degree in Civil Engineering. While I was in college I ran track and cross country and was in ROTC. Upon graduation, I received my commission as an Officer in the Army. I am a part of the Quartermaster Corps, and I will be stationed out of Ft. Polk, LA beginning in mid-November. Running and outdoor activities have always been a big part of my life and occupy a lot of my time. I also enjoy cooking.

I am going to do my best to update this blog one a week as I travel around and begin my career.